To be or Not to be: A Doctor


As all of you have realized, up to now, I’m studying in a Medical course. It’s not the immediate precursor of Medicine, but is quite a good pre-requisite for Medicine: Medical Technology. I’m in my 3rd year of the course and I need only 2 semesters left + 7 months of internship and another year of reviewing and taking the board exams to become a professional.

How it all started 

I admit I do have quite the interest in science when I was young, but in my senior year in high school, taking up medicine, or anything related to it was not in my priorities. Med Tech wasnt even in any of my choices before I entered college (Background check: I badly wanted to be a fashion designer – the career got dumped because ‘they say’ finding a job is a bit scarce and a bit of a struggle. Second, a broadcaster, I imagined myself as a reporter for BBC or in GMA – it got dumped (again) for falsifications that I might end up in local radio or tv stations). Med Tech was like a random choice I entered because of the salary it would give by working abroad (in my country, you are judged by how “high-paid” your salary is, srsly?!). I told my parents and both agreed and suggested should I enter Medicine, I’d be the first doctor in the bloodline.

I didn’t dream of being a doctor ever since I was young. It was like, too generic (I remember drawing a meat vendor as a dream job when I was in first grade). I never believed in myself and I thought I wouldn’t survive or the worst case be incompetent and let the 10 years of studying go to waste by not having a job at the end (I’m quite a pessimist before).

Being practical, I weighed the opportunity and decided to set my goals and be a doctor. I was quite interested in being a dermatologist + my mum and most of the women I know wants me to.

Setting my Goals

1. MONEY. Primarily, my actual goal of being a doctor is being rich (I apologize for being shallow) but, to be practical, that seems to be the goal of everyone (unless you’re already rich).

2. I want to prove something. I’ve always regarded myself as an underachiever, not that smart, not that great, you get the picture. I’ve always envied admired from afar the honor students in my batch, so I aspired that one day I could, and I always wanted my parents to be proud of me, and most of all, to prove to myself, that I CAN do it.

3. Set up a clinic. I aspired to have a clinic and a spa center like Belo’s or the ones here in my city such as Dasal’s clinic. I’d like to promote beauty and I have this severe obsession for spas and facials…

4. Grow money on tress. Trust me, although I do love money, I’m not that greedy (70% of the time). What I actually mean is, once I got the resources and financial capabilities, I plan on establishing a fashion haus and at least sate my long desire for design. I also dream of someday establishing a company (I know I dream limitless, but, I believe I could)

5. Live the remainder of my life to the fullest. Once I’ve done those mentioned previously, I’d like to just relax and party my ass off to compensate for the days I neglected my social life because of the brain-drying studies. I’d like to travel, relax in my minimalist high-tech mansion and of course donate to charity (I already have plans :)) ), buy the clothes I want and be a fashion blogger to mention a few.

Am I Ready?

Well, if you’re in my situation, there’s probably no turning back. If I want to make my dreams come true by solely being a Tech, I think I could, but it would be a struggle (and as my pessimistic side would conclude: would end up in a very big frustrations. You know how it hurts to have dreams so big you can’t achieve them). Here are some factors I’d like to enumerate if I’m ready:

1. Financially – worth a shot. I think my parents are financially capable. In my opinion, were in the above-average middle class status (kind of like in the middle of being rich and average). Well,my parents can sustain our needs and even provide our wants (but not the point that we spoil ourselves) we could occasionally afford luxuries. Still debating if I should work as an MT and study medicine (talk about multi-tasking).

2. Academically – I’m ready. Getting Med tech as a pre-medicine provides good foundations. Bacteriology, Histology, hematology, clinical chemistry, are quite informative and very preparatory to name a few, and MTs are the first line in diagnosis. The head of our Laboratory at Uni said that most Doctors that took MT as a prep course leads the class. I’m so ready, I share medical advice during dinner (not to boast, that is).

3. Mentally – I’m not sure. My inner self is debating whether I’d risk another 10 years of studying and neglect my social life or just struggle now and live life later. I’m trying to motivate myself, but I’ll pretty much end up with the latter.

4. Physically – Worth a shot. Taking the high quality of MTs the University produces (USA) my study habits are honed. I think my body has adapted to study nights with a minimum of 2 hrs of sleep, studying every night, neglecting your social life, walking like a zombie every 8 am on a Monday and the like. I occasionally neglect some studies and give my body the luxury I can’t afford – sleep.

5. Spiritually – BRING IT ON. I’ve always trusted in God. Without Him, I wouldn’t be here venting sharing this blog entry with you. I often pray that he would give me strength to overcome these pains, and if I’m overwhelmed, he’s always there to give me rest. I’m always ready because He is with me.

6. Socially – Sacrificial. My schedule currently is very hectic and I can’t update my blog more often, let alone a tweet. But its okay. I’m willing to sacrifice my social life, which means I’m forced to make human interactions. Ill be fine. I can revive my social life any time ūüôā just be there always.

To Be… ?

To be it is. As much as my body would want me to just rest now, I cant. I’m young and have a lot to achieve. I’m going to prove myself that I’m not an underachiever, and these dreams will be my building blocks. And I couldn’t risk my dreams to turn into a big bitch-slap of frustrations.

Some of my colleagues are taking the NMAT this November. I’m still debating if im going to. I’ll post my thoughts on succeeding blog posts.

If you’re reading this, you just wasted an hour or two reading through my rants, but I admire you for it ūüôā Thanks! Hope you could come back again and read more of my latest posts, or scroll down for some previous ones!

Anyway, are you in the same situation as I am? let me know, don’t hesitate to share or ask ūüėČ

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Journal #004: Wishful Thinking

The formation of beliefs and making decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by appealing to evidence, rationality, or reality

Ended a rough day of work. I proceed to the local coffee shop Im fond of. Its a good thing it runs 24 hours straight. I walk into the shop, judging by the time of the night there’s still a handful of customers adding to the fact that its a week night. I couldnt care more. I was swamped earlier that day and I had to relieve stress. My condo was an hour drive from where I was so I needed a nearby place to blow off steam.

I ordered a double shot and waited on a recently vacated table in the corner. It was a great spot, I could see people entering without them seeing or noticing me first. I watched as customers come and go. I opened my phone and began my rant.

I went through a blog post featuring a handful of hot male models currently in the country, which made me uneasy… my list of worldly frustrations just got lengthier.

***

The world out there is full of gorgeous people, many are blessed but only a few are given the opportunity to bring it to the limelight. I scroll down the list and see two of my major crushes one is a DJ/Model from Australia now based in the Philippines and One is from Brazil who models for the country-renowned mall.

These two has been the wallpaper of my phone for almost a year or 2. I always look at him before I sleep, thinking of how great my life would be if we would actually be dating, how fun outings would be, or how less aggravating my mondays would be if I see his face next to my pillow… his face as ugly as a mule’s butt.

This someone that I could acknowledge as a lover, with my own definition of love and sweetness – the frequent fights and insults that end up in cuddling and making out or possibly more…

Anyway, I dreamt of him, the DJ. He actually visited me, we werent ‘labeled’ yet but he fitted my ideals.

I told him: “Lets be sweet to each other, first one to fall in love, loses”

he replied: “You already lost. You already fell in love with me”

I felt the slightest blush, trying to suppress a very wide smile from swooning, I said: “Okay then, change of rules, first one to say I LOVE YOU, loses, and you know what the winner gets…”

With no further words, we made a deal. I cant recall further what happened in the dream, all I remember is, I let him go. I let him leave because I was a tad busy doing something. I went home afterwards, I step on the staircase and hear loud music emanating from my room. I hurriedly ran up the stairs, and to my surprise… he was there. He didnt leave me. Suppressing a smile again, I lounged in bed with him. With no words, He fell asleep beside me.

I wake up.

The euphoria slowly dissipating from my mind, I still feel ecstatic and sent me a wave of hope that someday, we might, we could, we could belong together…

***

I was in a stance when the waiter served my espresso. I cant help but realize, I live on wishful thinking. Wishful thinking –¬†The formation of¬†beliefs¬†and making decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by appealing to¬†evidence,¬†rationality, or¬†reality.

Reality is a bitter place. It vanquishes any non-existent happiness I already made. The castle of make-believe that gave me an illusion of happiness would be wrecked by this so called reality. But I cant risk the condition of my thinking. Im a practical person and Im heavily biased by evidence, tangibility and proof. Im in a divergent battle between my two mental states. If I dwell in reality, Im a sad, but I affirm myself I have a sound mind. If I dwell in wishful thinking, I am happy, empty happiness, but its all I want and hard to let go for it has the slightest hope that maybe, it will come true. I have strong faith so I cant be bothered.

I cant let go of something that makes me happy, but it might hurt me  more in the end, but its the only thing I want, the only thing that made me happy. Its like Im feeding on sweet nothings.

According to Christopher Booker he described Wishful thinking as:

‚Äúthe fantasy cycle‚ÄĚ … a pattern that recurs in personal lives, in politics, in history ‚Äď and in storytelling. When we embark on a course of action which is unconsciously driven by wishful thinking, all may seem to go well for a time, in what may be called the ‚Äúdream stage‚ÄĚ. But because this make-believe can never be reconciled with reality, it leads to a ‚Äúfrustration stage‚ÄĚ as things start to go wrong, prompting a more determined effort to keep the fantasy in being. As reality presses in, it leads to a ‚Äúnightmare stage‚ÄĚ as everything goes wrong, culminating in an ‚Äúexplosion into reality‚ÄĚ, when the fantasy finally falls apart.‚Äúthe fantasy cycle‚ÄĚ … a pattern that recurs in personal lives, in politics, in history ‚Äď and in storytelling. When we embark on a course of action which is unconsciously driven by wishful thinking, all may seem to go well for a time, in what may be called the ‚Äúdream stage‚ÄĚ. But because this make-believe can never be reconciled with reality, it leads to a ‚Äúfrustration stage‚ÄĚ as things start to go wrong, prompting a more determined effort to keep the fantasy in being. As reality presses in, it leads to a ‚Äúnightmare stage‚ÄĚ as everything goes wrong, culminating in an ‚Äúexplosion into reality‚ÄĚ, when the fantasy finally falls apart.

so this wishful thinking is like a sweet poison that I cant get enough of, which will soon be the end of me. But, sad to say, Im so attached. I wont acknowledge this as wishful thinking, but as faith. I believe. and it wont hurt me. I have waited far too long, and I know Im not ripe. Time will indeed come. Im just here ranting in full immaturity.

Rest assured, Ill find him, and be with him. Although not these two, but at least someone fitting of my ideals.

***

The last sip of coffee is invigorating. The thought that lingers in my mind weighs my eyes down and I almost drifted into a nap. With a deep breath, I stood up and wave off the trance Im in. Reality tunes in.

Although I am tangibly living in reality. My heart aspires of what is best for me, and he’s doing his job.

I jump in the car and turned on the stereo. The sweetest melody of the Saxophone version of Can You Feel The Love Tonight plays.

I burst into tears and loud sobs. I close the door and strike the vacated seat next to me. The melody is sweet but its killing me softly.

This sonata is too romantic.

 

 

 

Too romantic that I have no one to share it with.

 

~xx

The Third Suicidal Note

I step in the shower. The water is warm and in seconds, steam fills the room. Beside me is a glass, turned opaque by the film of water droplets that covered it. I wipe it. Behind the glass, I see a virtual image – my reflection. Im ugly, in the mirror I see an image, distorted by the insensitive perception of society that served as hindrance for me, and people like me, to live a normal life… The glass turns opaque, and as the droplets of water soothe my face, I reach for the blade nearby…

Being a person deviated from society for having a different preference, I am exposed to risks.

Im not closeted, and I feel so liberated that I live my life the way I want it to – nothing to hold back, nothing to hide, just plain me. But Im not completely closeted, Im set back from being myself from members outside my immediate family. Regarding the circumstance that I live in a country where morals and dogmas of the Church has heavily influenced the mentality of its countrymen, I am exposed to rejection, negligence and bewilderment both from strangers and loved ones alike.

Homosexuality probably has been a taboo a long time ago, but I couldnt say its ¬†a complete taboo since you can see members of the third sex roaming the streets freely and frequently. Although these citizens freely roam the streets of their motherland, the people they encounter, although indifferent, has lost the respect for them. These people tend to associate homosexuals as deviant and discriminatory, regarding them as persons of the lower sect having disgraced the Church they grew up in and “chose” to live a life of sin, being gay in their perspective is closely associated to being an anomaly.

And then a voice, vehement, calls. His words heavy, booming even. Words that resembled daggers striking my chest, aggravated by laughs and snide comments from various voices that came from the first. I succumb to the wounds but I dont show any pain, Im used to suppressing my feelings. I feel my heart race, my pulse quickens and I start to pant, I want to scream and mute out the words but a voice has spoken, as vehement as the voice prior. But this one, is different, it was comforting, defending… the voice was on my side.

Nonetheless, I am grateful I have a family that is in a higher domain of thinking. In my family, I am accepted, respected, loved. They accept me for who I am and this helps in relieving the tension I suppress from prior insults due to my sexuality. Im a helpless individual, but this is due to myself being in premature state, I know I cant fend for myself so all I do is shut up. But when words and nails-to-skin fail to serve their purpose, the fine blade has been a notorious resort to such situations.

Slowly, the single voice that was on my side has increased in intensity. Then another one comes in, and another, they were many, all defending for me. For me… I know Im not someone of high prestige but its overwhelming that the people you love and love you defend you. All is not a big deal for me, in fact, Im already used to it, but I admit it was painful to be humiliated, especially in front of the members of the family from further lines of consanguinity.

My family has defended me, and I feel empowered. Its great to live in a family where they not only accept you, they also support you and empower you, even fight for your rights! I should consider myself lucky to be born in such a family.

I hear another voice – its mine. I begin to decipher what seems to be my soliloquy. “You dont need his love, you dont need his acceptance, He’s not your life support.” The voice is right, I am right. I dont need him, and his acceptance is nothing more than a lion begging forgiveness from a stone. His rejection is just collateral damage, now its my turn to belittle him, him and people like him, THEY are the people of the lower sect, they are the people whose minds are damaged by ignorance. Besides, I’ve got more important things to attend to, such as cleaning excrement off my name.

I am not an anomaly, and I dont deserve to live a life inside the cloak, behind the mask, I dont deserve a life of anomaly, I dont deserve to be treated as a nuisance. Begrudgingly, I have to hold no grudge against these people, I am not ominous. All I know is that there are people who love me for me¬†and that’s what matters most. And I thank them for that. They know its hard for me to live with this life but they make it easier for me.

Im wounded. The blade is dripping red. Tears well up at the sides of my eyes. My tears fall down, being one with the droplets from the shower. I exhale heavily and let out a loud sigh – a sigh of relief.

With a bleeding wound, I land on my bed. I sleep restfully, it should be since I think it would be my last.

My dreams were vivid and happy.

I wake up.

Im breathing.

I stand up and see the beautiful sunrise, ready to embark and enjoy life.

I enter my bathroom and scrub the blood stains from the tiles, I look at the mirror and I see the scar on my eyebrow. A scar due to the carelessness in handling a sharp blade to trim the unwanted growths on my brows.

silly me.

 

~xx

Journal Log #0001: Prologue

11:05 pm. 21st May, 2013

I lay down on my bed. The texture of polished smooth satin seems to relax my palms. The cool after-rain and the breeze of night sends chills down my spine gradually depleting the energy I have left. And in the solemn silence, I begin my business.

As I embark on a journey to the place I’ve always longed for, with myself I carry the keepsake of experiences and memories I had from the people that come and go.

I never depended on destiny, fate to me seems to be nonsensical. I’ve always believed that the life you have is the life you chose, the outcomes Im experiencing right now is based on my decisions. Neither do I aim to make the right choices, nor stay on the safe side – I take risks. As long as it would take me a step closer to my directive, Ill take measures.

My direction is not yet defined, I know what to be at the end, when my utopia has finally arrive. I just dont know what… or who… to¬†accommodate¬†first.

It seems that the world I was born in is a big game, and in my vantage point, its not a friendly one. Most people thrive and get what they deserve, while some, rely on dependence. Although the playing field is not even, the game is still omnipresent. And, as I have theorized, those that relied too much, will learn the hard way, those who cheated, will suffer repercussions.

The silence of the neighborhood is eerie. The blow of the wind against my glass window seeps through its parallel slits and emits a sound that resonates in my room imitating a slight wail, adding chill to the now-cold atmosphere.

Here I am yet again.

Nonetheless, I know Ill get to my directive. With any means possible, feasible, and ethical. I know its a big risk to take, my pains outweigh my pleasure at first, but the scale will tip over when I reached that dream I so long to go to. For now  Im a foolish dreamer, lost in the lust for my dreams that are yet to come and drunk of the non-existent euphoric feeling I hope would be more ecstatic the day I get there. But I know Im no lost dreamer, Im a concrete wide awake navigator.

Good things come to those who wait GO OUT AND FUCKING EARN IT.

As the night grows older, it gets colder. I wrap myself with my comforter and allow myself to curl up and mute the world and the sheer cold my body is already suffering. I channel out with only on thought in my mind – Ive been sleeping alone too long in this bed made for couples.

~xx

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