The Third Suicidal Note

I step in the shower. The water is warm and in seconds, steam fills the room. Beside me is a glass, turned opaque by the film of water droplets that covered it. I wipe it. Behind the glass, I see a virtual image – my reflection. Im ugly, in the mirror I see an image, distorted by the insensitive perception of society that served as hindrance for me, and people like me, to live a normal life… The glass turns opaque, and as the droplets of water soothe my face, I reach for the blade nearby…

Being a person deviated from society for having a different preference, I am exposed to risks.

Im not closeted, and I feel so liberated that I live my life the way I want it to – nothing to hold back, nothing to hide, just plain me. But Im not completely closeted, Im set back from being myself from members outside my immediate family. Regarding the circumstance that I live in a country where morals and dogmas of the Church has heavily influenced the mentality of its countrymen, I am exposed to rejection, negligence and bewilderment both from strangers and loved ones alike.

Homosexuality probably has been a taboo a long time ago, but I couldnt say its  a complete taboo since you can see members of the third sex roaming the streets freely and frequently. Although these citizens freely roam the streets of their motherland, the people they encounter, although indifferent, has lost the respect for them. These people tend to associate homosexuals as deviant and discriminatory, regarding them as persons of the lower sect having disgraced the Church they grew up in and “chose” to live a life of sin, being gay in their perspective is closely associated to being an anomaly.

And then a voice, vehement, calls. His words heavy, booming even. Words that resembled daggers striking my chest, aggravated by laughs and snide comments from various voices that came from the first. I succumb to the wounds but I dont show any pain, Im used to suppressing my feelings. I feel my heart race, my pulse quickens and I start to pant, I want to scream and mute out the words but a voice has spoken, as vehement as the voice prior. But this one, is different, it was comforting, defending… the voice was on my side.

Nonetheless, I am grateful I have a family that is in a higher domain of thinking. In my family, I am accepted, respected, loved. They accept me for who I am and this helps in relieving the tension I suppress from prior insults due to my sexuality. Im a helpless individual, but this is due to myself being in premature state, I know I cant fend for myself so all I do is shut up. But when words and nails-to-skin fail to serve their purpose, the fine blade has been a notorious resort to such situations.

Slowly, the single voice that was on my side has increased in intensity. Then another one comes in, and another, they were many, all defending for me. For me… I know Im not someone of high prestige but its overwhelming that the people you love and love you defend you. All is not a big deal for me, in fact, Im already used to it, but I admit it was painful to be humiliated, especially in front of the members of the family from further lines of consanguinity.

My family has defended me, and I feel empowered. Its great to live in a family where they not only accept you, they also support you and empower you, even fight for your rights! I should consider myself lucky to be born in such a family.

I hear another voice – its mine. I begin to decipher what seems to be my soliloquy. “You dont need his love, you dont need his acceptance, He’s not your life support.” The voice is right, I am right. I dont need him, and his acceptance is nothing more than a lion begging forgiveness from a stone. His rejection is just collateral damage, now its my turn to belittle him, him and people like him, THEY are the people of the lower sect, they are the people whose minds are damaged by ignorance. Besides, I’ve got more important things to attend to, such as cleaning excrement off my name.

I am not an anomaly, and I dont deserve to live a life inside the cloak, behind the mask, I dont deserve a life of anomaly, I dont deserve to be treated as a nuisance. Begrudgingly, I have to hold no grudge against these people, I am not ominous. All I know is that there are people who love me for me and that’s what matters most. And I thank them for that. They know its hard for me to live with this life but they make it easier for me.

Im wounded. The blade is dripping red. Tears well up at the sides of my eyes. My tears fall down, being one with the droplets from the shower. I exhale heavily and let out a loud sigh – a sigh of relief.

With a bleeding wound, I land on my bed. I sleep restfully, it should be since I think it would be my last.

My dreams were vivid and happy.

I wake up.

Im breathing.

I stand up and see the beautiful sunrise, ready to embark and enjoy life.

I enter my bathroom and scrub the blood stains from the tiles, I look at the mirror and I see the scar on my eyebrow. A scar due to the carelessness in handling a sharp blade to trim the unwanted growths on my brows.

silly me.

 

~xx

I just hate it when I wear the best clothes and then strut it in the streets and people  go by looking at me like Im an alien. Sometimes I wear some clothes that shout ‘Feminine’ or Girly colors sometimes and would often lead to people judging me, and on worse cases, criticize me.

You know the feeling where you hear people saying: ” dont go near that faggot.” Hello, srsly, like being Gay is very contagious. Well yeah, homosexuality can be influential, but really, its in the person if he/she just wants to ‘come out’ or show their ‘true colors’. I’ve seen a lot of straight men with Gay friends, not even them turned gay.

And here’s the funny part: People in my place thinks that Gay individuals are usually feminine. Some people would tell how ‘wasted’ I am for being homo because Im handsome or whatever. Srsly, Im wasted because I wanted to be happy? To be who I am? and when I go and dress like a man, they’d say Im already straight? Hello.

Anyway, to sum up my thoughts here’s a video address by one of my favorite rainbow colored inspirators Chris Crocker

Dont ever judge me with what I wear

I love the message + he made a good point! There’s a lot of types of gay people they’re all different, just like the colors of a rainbow, they can be girly or feminine that love to be drag queens, and muscly macho ones that love to be gay strippers in night clubs. There’s some sexy lesbos that look hot + fly, but deep inside, they’d date girls and of course there are some lessies that wear caps and hoodies, there’s really nothing wrong with that. I guess what I meant to say is, even though I look straight, or a man, or even a woman, I’d date guys. People are stuck with the belief that gays walk so flowy and girly but no, Ill be another person that will live every color of the rainbow. I may change clothes, hairstyles or looks, but I swear my sexuality is the same.

There’s just five words Im going to live by: I am what I am

and to those people who are reading this and felt the same, never let these person define you, dont let them box yourself. I do believe that we, ourselves, can shape our path through our own decisions. There’s no such thing as fate or destiny. Just be yourself. Dont let others predict you.

Liberate yourself, never let these people bind you from being who you are.

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~Gaetana

 

Warning: F-Bombs Ahead.

Hello Guttersluts and Bubblebutts!

The world today is so fucking wonderful. I love how these fucking people always fight for equality. Especially to fight against that fuck load of asshole shit Prop 8.

I apologize for all the informal language I do hope you guys understand. I came over these videos from youtube entitled with FCKH8 and yeah they do say the F word. A lot. Anyway, they do have a point. So here some of my personal favorite videos of them:

Top 5 reasons to ban gay marriage

I find this video to be quite amusing (and funny). Well every reason seems to have a point. Okay so Ill try to interpret them.

1. Homosexuality is completely fucking with the laws of nature.

– So what they do mean is unnatural. Unnatural? really? any better reason? They’re just not comfortable seeing two cocks or two pussies fucking each other. Oh and here’s another one, Gays choose to be that way, the same way straight people choose to be straight. Umm, where did they get these ideas from? oh wait, WHEN I WAS IN MY MUM’S WOMB, WHEN I WAS STILL BEING DEVELOPED I ACCIDENTALLY PUSHED THE ‘BECOME GAY’ BUTTON IN MY MUM’S VAGINA. Hmmm I really didnt “choose” to be gay, its just me, the person I am. The person I’d love to be, the person Im happy with.

2. My church doesnt believe in gay marriage

-Being a Christian I have to clarify this. I was studying in a Catholic school on my high school days, and our Nun teacher said that:

We (Catholics) dont despise gays nor resent them, its not really a sin to be gay as long as they’re not doing anything wrong

So yeah, this pretty sums up that God loves me, even if Im gay. Well if he doesnt, I shouldnt be here typing this fucking blog! haha oh and yeah about the Stoning and Slavery and the Working on sunday part, the bible (in my opinion) doesnt really say “Its Okay” to do those things, there were some certain pagan laws or religions that permit the stoning, enslaving and working on sunday. Oh and I remember my Gay friend’s Baptist/Born again etc. girlfriend, according to her, Gays are a disgust to humanity and God hates them. WHATTHEFUCCK??? oohhhh. talking about it makes my blood boil.

3. Homo marriages are not real marriages.

– you know why?

Ass fucking and Scissoring cant make babies

and if you cant make babies:

Cant make babies? cant get married, that’s the law!

srsly. Are people these day that shallow. Gay couples can like adopt orphans thus lowering the Orphan rates or whatever, and if Gay couples cant make babies well, there is surrogacy and such (but to others it would be “breaking more laws of nature”) But srsly, No children, No marriage? 😐

4. Gay Marriage will only let the gays fucking recruit more people to go homo.

-Another shallow reason. I love how the people in the video mock those Ass-tight hypocrites. Yeah right, like being gay is contagious. Hah! Me? I have a lot of straight guy and girl friends. Did they eve go gay? No. srsly. Its like if I hang out with black people only makes me blacker. 😐 Okay then, I guess Ill go hang out with beautiful ladies and eventually Ill become a girl and have some boobies and a vajayjay.

5. It is fucked up when Gay people adopt children.

-*facepalms* What is FUCKED UP WITH THIS? at least Gay people are humans! What would be fucked up is that a dog would adopt an orphan 😐 srsly. And you know what’s worse? Gay people are willing to adopt children whose parent that abandon these children are STRAIGHT. This only proves that Gay people are more loving, somewhat. Here’s the funny part, The government would rather let the orphans be orphans than have two mommies or tow daddies. kfinewhatever. Keep it up.

SO HOLD THE FUCK UP!

Gay as I am, I support this (of course) not for the reason that I benefit with this, its because, its about equality we’re talking about. In the eyes of God we’re all equal. No more no less. I thought love has no boundaries? what happened to all the poetic and flowering words saying love has no size, shape, or color, fuck, love has no gender. If a man loves a man, so be it, let them be husband and husband. If we truly seek happiness it is there, so why obstruct someone’s happiness?

If you have any reactions with or against this post, be sure to comment. I apologize for all the informality in this post but Im just speaking my mind.

More video interpretations on succeeding posts.

Lots of Love. With Fucking Orange Colored Skies.

~Gaetana

Blog at WordPress.com.