The Third Suicidal Note

I step in the shower. The water is warm and in seconds, steam fills the room. Beside me is a glass, turned opaque by the film of water droplets that covered it. I wipe it. Behind the glass, I see a virtual image – my reflection. Im ugly, in the mirror I see an image, distorted by the insensitive perception of society that served as hindrance for me, and people like me, to live a normal life… The glass turns opaque, and as the droplets of water soothe my face, I reach for the blade nearby…

Being a person deviated from society for having a different preference, I am exposed to risks.

Im not closeted, and I feel so liberated that I live my life the way I want it to – nothing to hold back, nothing to hide, just plain me. But Im not completely closeted, Im set back from being myself from members outside my immediate family. Regarding the circumstance that I live in a country where morals and dogmas of the Church has heavily influenced the mentality of its countrymen, I am exposed to rejection, negligence and bewilderment both from strangers and loved ones alike.

Homosexuality probably has been a taboo a long time ago, but I couldnt say its  a complete taboo since you can see members of the third sex roaming the streets freely and frequently. Although these citizens freely roam the streets of their motherland, the people they encounter, although indifferent, has lost the respect for them. These people tend to associate homosexuals as deviant and discriminatory, regarding them as persons of the lower sect having disgraced the Church they grew up in and “chose” to live a life of sin, being gay in their perspective is closely associated to being an anomaly.

And then a voice, vehement, calls. His words heavy, booming even. Words that resembled daggers striking my chest, aggravated by laughs and snide comments from various voices that came from the first. I succumb to the wounds but I dont show any pain, Im used to suppressing my feelings. I feel my heart race, my pulse quickens and I start to pant, I want to scream and mute out the words but a voice has spoken, as vehement as the voice prior. But this one, is different, it was comforting, defending… the voice was on my side.

Nonetheless, I am grateful I have a family that is in a higher domain of thinking. In my family, I am accepted, respected, loved. They accept me for who I am and this helps in relieving the tension I suppress from prior insults due to my sexuality. Im a helpless individual, but this is due to myself being in premature state, I know I cant fend for myself so all I do is shut up. But when words and nails-to-skin fail to serve their purpose, the fine blade has been a notorious resort to such situations.

Slowly, the single voice that was on my side has increased in intensity. Then another one comes in, and another, they were many, all defending for me. For me… I know Im not someone of high prestige but its overwhelming that the people you love and love you defend you. All is not a big deal for me, in fact, Im already used to it, but I admit it was painful to be humiliated, especially in front of the members of the family from further lines of consanguinity.

My family has defended me, and I feel empowered. Its great to live in a family where they not only accept you, they also support you and empower you, even fight for your rights! I should consider myself lucky to be born in such a family.

I hear another voice – its mine. I begin to decipher what seems to be my soliloquy. “You dont need his love, you dont need his acceptance, He’s not your life support.” The voice is right, I am right. I dont need him, and his acceptance is nothing more than a lion begging forgiveness from a stone. His rejection is just collateral damage, now its my turn to belittle him, him and people like him, THEY are the people of the lower sect, they are the people whose minds are damaged by ignorance. Besides, I’ve got more important things to attend to, such as cleaning excrement off my name.

I am not an anomaly, and I dont deserve to live a life inside the cloak, behind the mask, I dont deserve a life of anomaly, I dont deserve to be treated as a nuisance. Begrudgingly, I have to hold no grudge against these people, I am not ominous. All I know is that there are people who love me for me and that’s what matters most. And I thank them for that. They know its hard for me to live with this life but they make it easier for me.

Im wounded. The blade is dripping red. Tears well up at the sides of my eyes. My tears fall down, being one with the droplets from the shower. I exhale heavily and let out a loud sigh – a sigh of relief.

With a bleeding wound, I land on my bed. I sleep restfully, it should be since I think it would be my last.

My dreams were vivid and happy.

I wake up.

Im breathing.

I stand up and see the beautiful sunrise, ready to embark and enjoy life.

I enter my bathroom and scrub the blood stains from the tiles, I look at the mirror and I see the scar on my eyebrow. A scar due to the carelessness in handling a sharp blade to trim the unwanted growths on my brows.

silly me.

 

~xx

Advertisements

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.