Journal #0003: He was just a trick

21st day of August, 2013 3:03 am

That morning I went home on a cloud. Only to realize, I was riding that cloud alone . . .
                           
The night before, I was completely caught off guard. I was in cloud nine. My mind was completely muddled by endorphins. It seemed too good to be true that someone I like . . . Could possibly . . . Like . . . Me back. To finally have a mutual feeling between me and him. I felt euphoric. Of course I didnt gave in too much. I was afraid, afraid to assume and jump into conclusions, for in my perspective – and experience – nothing seems to be as I wanted it to be.

Did he actually miss me? Did he wrapped his arms around me just for show, or to show his intimacy and affection towards me?

I dont know. But I felt good. I felt his love.

At the club, he danced with me. With his arms around me, I cant help but feel safe and secure in his embrace. But I had doubts. He’s a nice guy and he values the people he loves. He is rather affectionate and expresses his intimacy a lot and in quite a superficial manner. I cant help but doubt.

My heart has hardened but not to the extent where I dont even care anymore. I couldnt say I’ve grown bitter, I’ve been more careful ever since I gave it away to the last one I liked . . . Loved… I was investing on poor foundations only to end up in a loss.

I got tired of waiting for the right one. All I got is myself now. And every now and then that I feel lonely, I think About the freedom and the perks of being single. After all, in the end, when the world turns its back on me, all what’s left is myself. And I have no choice but live with it and be content with the loneliness I already feel.

Ive been frustrated too much. Ive been lonely for long. For years Ive been sleeping alone in a bed designed for couples. Ive been lonely for far too long. But I dont know if I can afford another heartbreak.

“I often wondered if love’s an illusion, just to get me through the loneliest days” and “love’s for a lifetime, not for a moment, so how could I throw it away? Im only human and nights grow colder with no one to love me that way. I need someone who really sees me” ah, what more could a song express but the perfect thoughts when your own words fail to serve their purpose.

I need someone to be there for me. To love me, as a lover, as a loved one. Someone who would say they’re lucky to have me in their life or just someone who could say “I love you” to me sincerely. Is that too much to ask?  

I cant afford another heartbreak, but, Ill take the risk again. For love – The thing Ive always fought for.

He gave me away. I felt like a joke. Like a kid easily tantalized and indulged with a sight of a mere penny. I couldnt imagine I fell for another meniacal trick of love.

“Dont wanna wake up alone anymore… still believing he’ll walk through my door, all I need is to know its FOR SURE. Then Ill give all the love in the world”
           ~the Corrs

Christmas today somewhat disappointed me. But I love how thrilling it was. ~Gaetana

Sorry for the late post and the recent passivity. I was out for Christmas so I didnt had time to update this. Follow my twitter account to spy get updates from me.

This year’s Christmas was bit unexpected and not the one Im used to do. I dont know Im just not satisfied yet. I didnt feel the Christmas spirit possess me. It just didnt came to me. I was empty. Dead inside.

Christmas,  as I used to know is like a warm occasion where the family is together. Lots of food like Sweet ham, salad, Lechon, Eggnog, Christmas cakes + Sans Rival, Hot cocoa etc. Its a time where warm candles and Christmas lights would illuminate the living room and heartwarming Christmas carols would warm our hearts from the freezing winter breeze.

First of all, Christmas for me was a disappointment because : Family wasnt complete. My father wasnt there to share with us the Christmas eve dinner. And my uncle, aunt, and cousin, they went on and have dinner at the other side of the family.

I want them to be there so I can receive gifts see their reactions to the gifts I gave them. I dont know why, but I want to see them smile to the gift I gave them.

Second. I received lots and lots of money. The down side? I think its pretty simple to open an envelope full of money. Yes, I can go shop with the money but I kinda miss opening bulky presents. You know that exciting feeling where those beautifully wrapped presents are being opened brutally like you’re a samurai, something like that. I miss being a child again, or somehow. But tbh, the magic still hasnt grown out of me. Although, I semi-believe in Santa now, I still believe in the spirit of Christmas.

Oh and here’s the fun part. I spent nearly half of my Christmas eve at the hospital. My aunt just gave birth! What a wonderful gift indeed! ’twas a boy. A healthy one! My aunt + my sister agreed to name him Eurwan which is pretty much a mouthful dont make me mention his full name, trust me, you have no idea whatever his name is, Ill call him Jarod Noel. Jarod because um. yeah. He’s my crush in this movie i watched + Jarod seems like a handsome name. Noel because he was born in bethlehem Christmas eve, which for some reasons, like Christmas. Well Im very thankful for the unexpected gift! Another bundle of Joy. At least next year there will be lots of grub! hahaha!

Pictorama!!

Click the image and you’ll know the story 🙂

+ I stumbled over this wonderful blog post. I love how she described her type of Christmas. Pretty much my inspiration from the beginning of this post + I write too much. I do apologize if I made your eyes sore for all my long blog posts.

So how was ur Christmas?

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~Gaetana

One of the Gays

By now, I do hope you guys know or aware of my sexual orientation. If you did read my About me you’ll know.

Warning: Explicit content. Pictures in this post are strictly not mine, no copyright infringement intended or whatever

well its Christmas break, school’s over and Im at home doing nothing but Playing games, tweeting, Photography, Porn, soooo I got kinda bored. I downloaded this movie called “Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild.” Maybe the thing that must have made me download this movie is the eye candy – My frequent lustful thirst for hot men.

oh and here’s the movie poster

First of all, I got my eye on Jake Mosser – the guy with the blue shorts, the third one from the left. I find him quite adorable and his partner in the movie was also cute. Dont worry Ill add some screen caps later, (I hope I wont get in trouble with this). He’s that muscular blonde type, the slut in the group, but yeah I find him quite adorable :3

Okay here’s the big deal, see that second guy from the left? He’s Jimmy Clabots. Model, actor, and certified hot guy *swoons* anywhoo, He’s in CSI according to IMDB, however, uncredited. Anyway, this guy is soooo damn fine. Definitely my type. I’ve been swooning every time they had moments with his ‘on-screen’ boyfriend griff (the guy with the glasses).

Why my type?

  • I love his hair
  • skin tone = perfect
  • hairstyle = 2 thumbs up
  • body? ohmygawd
  • HE HAS BROWN EYES. well, in the movie I guess
  • His character is so sweet!

Pictures later. Feelings first. DETAILSSSS.

there was a moment there in the movie, he was having sex with his boyfriend, griff. I think its kinda cute that he gets jealous or the “your lips is all mine” attitude. Its sexy and cute at the same time! He gets jealous easily because griff didnt come ‘home’ to him that night, AND HE TEXTED HIS BOYFRIEND THAT HE MISSES HIM. Awwww how sweet. Despite the good looks, full underwear, bulging biceps and godlike body, he has this sweet attitude, a weak spot somehow. My ideal partner. OH AND IF YOU LOOK AT HIS EXPRESSION, ZOMG THE CUTENESS. IM DYING. Im already vomiting glitter, and bleeding perky hearts! I just love how committed he is to his guy.

You know the feeling wherein a hot guy gives you this ‘puppy-dog eyes’ look. You just cant help it but swoon, explode, and say yes, or whatever. Oh and there’s this scene that he apologizes to griff. AWWWW THOSE EYES..

k. Bad News, couldnt get Screen caps from the movie cuz I dont know how to, but here's a cute one :">

Okay. Okay. 1…2….3…4…5……. calming my whoremones. Well bad news for me, Mr.Perfect guy for me is straight. I found out he has a wife, yeah, and he’s old enough to be my uncle, somehow. But bah… Great acting, cheers to him! He definitely got me! and yeah, He’s Jarod 2.0, Im not gonna forget those chiseled abs….

For the movie, there’s a lot of eye candies esp. Andy Wilson’s (Jake Mosser) partner this spanish/latin guy named Luis. (dont know the spelling actually) The movie’s kinda funny too and a bit explicit with some frontal scenes and the humping and everything. Well, Im waiting for a part 3 and I hope Jimmy’s there :)))

Well to this all up, Jarod’s the gay guy my heart’s been longing for. The one I can always cuddle with on cold nights, one who gets jealous when he sees me with other guys, one who apologizes and one who thinks of me when he fucks other guys but to sum it all up, I want a guy who is committed to me, treat me like Im no other man/woman like Im a rare diamond on the brink of extinction something lik that. Hahaha. Pls. ignore the fucking  part. Here’s a lil song I can relate with. Its a song from Rihanna‘s new album Talk That Talk. The song’s message relates with me, We all want love. Hope I’d find him someday…

I can pretend that Im not lonely but, Ill be constantly fooling myself.

Lots of love, with Orange colored skies

~Gaetana

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