Journal #0003: He was just a trick

21st day of August, 2013 3:03 am

That morning I went home on a cloud. Only to realize, I was riding that cloud alone . . .
The night before, I was completely caught off guard. I was in cloud nine. My mind was completely muddled by endorphins. It seemed too good to be true that someone I like . . . Could possibly . . . Like . . . Me back. To finally have a mutual feeling between me and him. I felt euphoric. Of course I didnt gave in too much. I was afraid, afraid to assume and jump into conclusions, for in my perspective – and experience – nothing seems to be as I wanted it to be.

Did he actually miss me? Did he wrapped his arms around me just for show, or to show his intimacy and affection towards me?

I dont know. But I felt good. I felt his love.

At the club, he danced with me. With his arms around me, I cant help but feel safe and secure in his embrace. But I had doubts. He’s a nice guy and he values the people he loves. He is rather affectionate and expresses his intimacy a lot and in quite a superficial manner. I cant help but doubt.

My heart has hardened but not to the extent where I dont even care anymore. I couldnt say I’ve grown bitter, I’ve been more careful ever since I gave it away to the last one I liked . . . Loved… I was investing on poor foundations only to end up in a loss.

I got tired of waiting for the right one. All I got is myself now. And every now and then that I feel lonely, I think About the freedom and the perks of being single. After all, in the end, when the world turns its back on me, all what’s left is myself. And I have no choice but live with it and be content with the loneliness I already feel.

Ive been frustrated too much. Ive been lonely for long. For years Ive been sleeping alone in a bed designed for couples. Ive been lonely for far too long. But I dont know if I can afford another heartbreak.

“I often wondered if love’s an illusion, just to get me through the loneliest days” and “love’s for a lifetime, not for a moment, so how could I throw it away? Im only human and nights grow colder with no one to love me that way. I need someone who really sees me” ah, what more could a song express but the perfect thoughts when your own words fail to serve their purpose.

I need someone to be there for me. To love me, as a lover, as a loved one. Someone who would say they’re lucky to have me in their life or just someone who could say “I love you” to me sincerely. Is that too much to ask?  

I cant afford another heartbreak, but, Ill take the risk again. For love – The thing Ive always fought for.

He gave me away. I felt like a joke. Like a kid easily tantalized and indulged with a sight of a mere penny. I couldnt imagine I fell for another meniacal trick of love.

“Dont wanna wake up alone anymore… still believing he’ll walk through my door, all I need is to know its FOR SURE. Then Ill give all the love in the world”
           ~the Corrs

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