The Third Suicidal Note

I step in the shower. The water is warm and in seconds, steam fills the room. Beside me is a glass, turned opaque by the film of water droplets that covered it. I wipe it. Behind the glass, I see a virtual image – my reflection. Im ugly, in the mirror I see an image, distorted by the insensitive perception of society that served as hindrance for me, and people like me, to live a normal life… The glass turns opaque, and as the droplets of water soothe my face, I reach for the blade nearby…

Being a person deviated from society for having a different preference, I am exposed to risks.

Im not closeted, and I feel so liberated that I live my life the way I want it to – nothing to hold back, nothing to hide, just plain me. But Im not completely closeted, Im set back from being myself from members outside my immediate family. Regarding the circumstance that I live in a country where morals and dogmas of the Church has heavily influenced the mentality of its countrymen, I am exposed to rejection, negligence and bewilderment both from strangers and loved ones alike.

Homosexuality probably has been a taboo a long time ago, but I couldnt say its  a complete taboo since you can see members of the third sex roaming the streets freely and frequently. Although these citizens freely roam the streets of their motherland, the people they encounter, although indifferent, has lost the respect for them. These people tend to associate homosexuals as deviant and discriminatory, regarding them as persons of the lower sect having disgraced the Church they grew up in and “chose” to live a life of sin, being gay in their perspective is closely associated to being an anomaly.

And then a voice, vehement, calls. His words heavy, booming even. Words that resembled daggers striking my chest, aggravated by laughs and snide comments from various voices that came from the first. I succumb to the wounds but I dont show any pain, Im used to suppressing my feelings. I feel my heart race, my pulse quickens and I start to pant, I want to scream and mute out the words but a voice has spoken, as vehement as the voice prior. But this one, is different, it was comforting, defending… the voice was on my side.

Nonetheless, I am grateful I have a family that is in a higher domain of thinking. In my family, I am accepted, respected, loved. They accept me for who I am and this helps in relieving the tension I suppress from prior insults due to my sexuality. Im a helpless individual, but this is due to myself being in premature state, I know I cant fend for myself so all I do is shut up. But when words and nails-to-skin fail to serve their purpose, the fine blade has been a notorious resort to such situations.

Slowly, the single voice that was on my side has increased in intensity. Then another one comes in, and another, they were many, all defending for me. For me… I know Im not someone of high prestige but its overwhelming that the people you love and love you defend you. All is not a big deal for me, in fact, Im already used to it, but I admit it was painful to be humiliated, especially in front of the members of the family from further lines of consanguinity.

My family has defended me, and I feel empowered. Its great to live in a family where they not only accept you, they also support you and empower you, even fight for your rights! I should consider myself lucky to be born in such a family.

I hear another voice – its mine. I begin to decipher what seems to be my soliloquy. “You dont need his love, you dont need his acceptance, He’s not your life support.” The voice is right, I am right. I dont need him, and his acceptance is nothing more than a lion begging forgiveness from a stone. His rejection is just collateral damage, now its my turn to belittle him, him and people like him, THEY are the people of the lower sect, they are the people whose minds are damaged by ignorance. Besides, I’ve got more important things to attend to, such as cleaning excrement off my name.

I am not an anomaly, and I dont deserve to live a life inside the cloak, behind the mask, I dont deserve a life of anomaly, I dont deserve to be treated as a nuisance. Begrudgingly, I have to hold no grudge against these people, I am not ominous. All I know is that there are people who love me for me and that’s what matters most. And I thank them for that. They know its hard for me to live with this life but they make it easier for me.

Im wounded. The blade is dripping red. Tears well up at the sides of my eyes. My tears fall down, being one with the droplets from the shower. I exhale heavily and let out a loud sigh – a sigh of relief.

With a bleeding wound, I land on my bed. I sleep restfully, it should be since I think it would be my last.

My dreams were vivid and happy.

I wake up.

Im breathing.

I stand up and see the beautiful sunrise, ready to embark and enjoy life.

I enter my bathroom and scrub the blood stains from the tiles, I look at the mirror and I see the scar on my eyebrow. A scar due to the carelessness in handling a sharp blade to trim the unwanted growths on my brows.

silly me.

 

~xx

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Bonus post: My Instagram!!!

Hi readers!

I just want to share to you my IG account. As you can see I have quite a talent in photography and image post-processing. Carrying professional cams around the globr would be a bit bulky and Im an ‘on-the-go’ person – ai travel lightly (Id like to think it that way). So instead of a camera I use my phone (whose shots are also quite impressive. 8 mp.)

Though IG’s filters are already awesome on its own, I prefer to tweak my photos a bit more so I use a variety of phone apps for filters.

I prefet sharing pictures than posting a status. You can get to the point more + I like to play with ny camera.

Anywhoo. My IG account is @nemorcust

I dont post self pics and food that much. So Im more of a hipster person. Here are some of my best pictures:

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Been using IG for almost a year now.I post some photos of my everyday life. Some boys. Fashion and some photos from the internet that is somehow worth sharing. Go and check out my account it has like 300+ photos.

Feel free to follow. See you @ IG

Lovess. Xx

Hello readers!

I beckon any of you love dancing and/or playing in the rain. I love rain clouds and gloomy days, I dont know why. Especially if it accompanies cold winds and stuff, its kinda like a nice time to have a stroll with a loved one (boyfriend) and cuddle each other while walking (if ever that’s possible). Anyway, it rained yesterday ( I love the fact that its scorching hot the rest of the day, and it compensates by raining for an hour at dusk) well I dont remember my last time I bathed in the rain but it sure was fun.

So I didnt waste time since I know the rain wont be staying so long, I went out and the rain drops welcomed me. The cold drips feel nostalgic. Its kinda great to feel like a child again. I crashed into puddles, slid on the road, tasted the rain. Everything was so perfect. I will cherish this simple thing life has offered for me. I went running in the rain, twirling and screaming. The subdivision was a bit deserted so I screamed my lungs off. And I also went to the river. Oh how it feels to be young again.

I also love that lingering smell of damp earth, leaves and rain! I dont know but it feel so fresh and relaxing. I also love the haze that lingers when a rain pours down hot concrete. But most of the time, I like sleeping to the sounds of raindrops (especially strong ones) splattering on my glass window,  and the sound of the vicious winds humming through the small seeps at the sides of the window and the roars of the thunder. Reminds me of warm nights when I was a child. Where I would go run to the covers when the thunders roared.

Well the rain has passed so I went home and hosed myself down. The warm water was invigorating. I decided to play with it and made artificial rain. I was a child for like an hour. And I never regretted it. I took a bath afterwards and ran out with my camera. Took shots of the aftermath of the rain. Edited them and so far I have these.

So what do you think of my photographs? They’re a bit drab but I think its okay. Any tips? 🙂 Im not quite good at this, but Ill work on it + I need a new camera lens. Macros and Portrait ones are in my eye lately. Any recommendations?

I wanted to take a photo of myself twirling in the rain, but I dont wanna risk my camera to get broken + I dont have someone to take a picture.

So how do you feel when ur dancing in the rain?

See you in the next post!

~Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~xGagaloox

What I’ve been up to..

Hello readers!!!

I know its been a while since my last blog entr. I’ve been busy lately, doing lazy stuff, online shopping, sleeping and the like, but I do have a surprise for everyone of you reading my blog!!

Yes, I’ve been lurking to my atelier spicing something up. Im doing some fashion sketches. Since me and Yza (Fashion Goddess) are preparing for Project Runway, I figured out we should practice on the sketching first, since in my situation in which sewing is next to impossible because I dont have a sewing machine + proper sewing skills. Also, I need some proper knowledge on how to make moodboards and “putting the dress to life” and some knowledge on textiles. This is probably the reason why designing + dressmaking is not a cute job like Mommy in the kitchen stitching teared shirts .

Info + colored scans will be released soon.

No, Im not a good sketcher, I just traced the body shape and added in the  dress. Basically, I just downloaded the Croquis templates here and printed them. It sure is useful to have a sketchbook in hand. But I do believe one day Ill be good at this. Here are some of my favs.

There’s a whole lot more if you google Fashion Sketches so check it out 🙂

I accept tips, comments, advice and some opinions on my work.

Well see you in the next post 🙂

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~xGagaloox

“Katniss… there is no District 12”

~Gale

WARNING: Spoilage ahead

I love how awesome Suzanne Collins ended the second book of the hunger games trilogy Catching Fire. Its like how Wiress ends her statements in mid sentence, making you ask for more.

Ok so I recently finished the succeeding sequel in The Hunger Games book series. All I can say is wow. My words are beyond reason, I cant explain it with any sophisticated word but just wow or jaw drops. The first chapters seems to be calming and more of a bore but once you get to the arising problem and then to the climax the fun starts.

Well, my predictions were wrong on the book because I thought Katniss Everdeen will be a mentor and alongside Peeta Melark, they will be mentoring 4 tributes aged between 12-18 for the 75th anniversary of the Hunger Games and the third Quarter Quell. Well, this time, Katniss and Peeta will be back in the dreadful arena one more time. Another twist which President Snow must have concocted or was it already in papers since archaic times, I dont know.

SPOILER ALERT.  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

A regular Quarter Quell will be two times exciting and twice gory since every District has to send twice the amount of tributes. That means 4 every district, two males and two females.  That will make 48 tributes. Since its the third Quarter Quell, the Capitol added a twist… Victors from the recent hunger games will fend off with each other instead.

New characters are introduced this time around. Some in District 12 and a handful of Victors from different Districts. Here is a list on what I, or we should expect on the upcoming installment.

  1. The mockingjay pin, or the mockingjay symbol will be very precious.
  2. Madge, doubtfully, will have her debut, or at least decent screentime.
  3. The peacekeepers in District 12 will have their debut, namely Darius, Cray and that woman peacekeeper *forgot her name*
  4. A threat named “Thread” will ignite your hearts in fury.
  5. Somehow, a debut of the Jabberjay.
  6. New characters Bonnie and Twill from District 8.
  7. Katniss forming alliances in the Arena.
  8. We finally get to see how Haymitch won.
  9. Maysilee Donner’s tragedy.
  10. Have fun thinking out the New Arena’s design if you havent read the book yet.
  11. Somehow, a glimpse of every district especially Rue and Thresh’s family.
  12. The cruelty of the capitol.
  13. The rebellion and uprisings.
  14. Katniss’ interview dress.
  15. Undeserving deaths from the victors.
  16. A cameo for District 13
  17. The ending, the most valuable, I wont say a word since this will be a big spoiler, so Ill save it.

Ill also mention some new characters, the victors, to be specific

  1. Cashmere and Gloss (Distric 1)
  2. Brutus and Enobaria (District 2)
  3. Beetee and Wiress (District 3)
  4. Finnick and Mags (District 4)
  5. Unknown *I forgot* (District 5)
  6. Two Morphlings. (District 6)
  7. Johanna and his partner *also forgot his name* (District 7)
  8. Unknown (District 8)
  9. Unknown (District 9)
  10. Unknown (District 10)
  11. Caf and Seeder (District 11)
  12. Peeta and Katniss (District 12)

please correct me if Im wrong or forgot the victor’s name. thanks!

I sunk my teeth into the books. No, I didnt chew it. I was so into the book its like I was watching the movie itself! The emotions even hit me like Katniss’ arrows. Reading through the book, the climax in particular I was feeling so uneasy. I begin to stare blankly, walk back and forth in the room, I was sweating cold sweat, my skin getting clammy, my mind getting restless. I pause on every turn of a page – I was digesting, ever so slowly, the words Katniss has been feeding to me. There are times I laugh, especially when Johanna strikes the statement: “Yes, Tick Tock, nuts is in shock” I dont know really, I laughed hysterically, maybe Im getting insane? no, not really.

The book emanates the light of Rebellion on the 12 different districts in Panem, with Katniss as the Mockingjay, the one that defied and outsmarted the limited wits of the Capitol.  It also focuses on how the Capitol took everything from Katniss, Prim, Cinna, Gale, her mother, District 12, the Hob eveything, which in turn might revive the Dark Days in Panem. Probably the lesson from the book is that trust, and doubt, even in small quantities can become a steadfast pillar whether your life will be spared or ended. One must know who the real enemy is.

Another wonderful book! This is kind of better than the first one, in my humble opinion. Cant wait to finish the trilogy with the last book Mocking Jay. Although, everything’s pretty fast, hopefully, this installment will have an equal or more good successor.

Who has read the book? 🙂

See you all in the next post!

~Lots of Love. With Pink colored skies.

~xGagaloox~


Let the 74th annual Hunger Games begin!

…. and may the odds be ever in your favor.

if i were to be a fan of any book series, The Hunger Games and its sequels would be it.

Watched the film first though. The film was so awesome, cant describe it in any word or so, I would use a sophisticated adjective but my tongue cant blurt it out. The movie is probably the best film I watched this year, no doubt the film will get a nomination to the Emmys or the Oscars, the odds will truly be in their favor.

The film has a hint of realism, there’s no smear of fantasy anywhere on it (or at least) everything was so, unsurreal its like everything in the film (also in the book) was palpable. The story and its setting is somewhat based in a futuristic setting, but not very far into the future where everything are robots now, maybe 50 or 70 years from now.

Although the film didn’t give District 12 the typical screen time, where one can identify it as a coal mine but I love how Suzanne gave every inch of detail to District 12 and it actually made me realize, this right now, what she is describing is happening right now, like its all possible. Like as I dig inch to inch deeper into her words, the scenarios, the concept, there’s this hint of realism like its all gonna be possible and I cant help but realize that years from now, there might be Panem or the Hunger Games might occur. Those vivid scenarios reminds me of the growing poverty around the world. Such as how District 11 reminds me of Africa.

The film and the book was so filled with emotions, I cant help but tear up – no I didnt cry nor sobbed – to the death of little Rue. Okay I wont get further into this since I dont want to spoil the movie (or the book) to all of you. The emotions in that part was so intense, this is actually the first time in years since I cried to a film, cant remember the last time though.

Suzanne, or should I say Katniss Everdeen vividly portrays everything around her. I get to jump in the perspective of a hunter, a hungry one. How silence and strategy are essentials to get “good game” and how hearty and tasty a rabbit or squirrel is. How she survived the Hunger Games, using a bow, fighting for her life, helping Peeta, witnessing the bloodbath at the Cornucopia at the first hour of the Games, but most of all, she vividly portrays her memories, everything from her father, to prim, her mother, gale and all of District 12. Katniss seems to show utmost care to her family especially Prim.

The Capitol, and its facilities are futuristic, the kind that shouts clean, sleek ones like we see today. The Capitol and its concepts seems to show what we already know about society – the social pyramid. The Capitol seems to be the elite ones and sits atop the pyramid. Kind of reminds me of the officials in politics.

Anyway, enough spoilage. If I did – even in an indirect way – Im very sorry. You should read the Book!

I’ll be a narcissist this time around but I admit Im quite amazed how I finished the 358-page book in the course of three days. I admit, I was so into the book I read it before I sleep. I cant seem to sleep without dousing myself of all the narrations Katniss has been pouring in. Im quite determined the finish the last two books , maybe Ill finish it just before my summer vacation ends.

Ill spoil just one last thing:

The moment I came by the words that Rue has died, I began to feel Katniss. Everything, the sadness, anxiety, the remorse, the agony, loneliness, all of it came rushing into me. Its like everything I ate was churning and galloping inside my chest. I cant help but tear up. That little girl, so sweet, so innocent. Questions begin to stray inside my head. Why does she have to die? she didnt deserve this. I began to feel anger, at that boy who killed Rue. The dude from District 1. Its a good thing he died, if I was to kill him I should’ve mashed him into pieces. Then, the Capitol. How could they watch the death of 23 people in the arena? and what’s more sad, the Games, the killings, the Blood baths, is just some sort of celebration to them, like they’re the dominant ones, the superiors ones, like no one can lift a finger against them. But there’s nothing I could do. I felt Katniss somehow, in a way.

See you in the next post! Ill be talking about my favorite characters. especially Cato. 🙂

See yah!

Take Care! and may the odds be ever in your favor!

~xGagaLoox

Dorm living

Being away from home is not a new thing for me. I lived in dormitories and boarding houses (lesser term for condominiums) for almost 8 months now. There are times that I just want to ask for more and get more comfortable in my new place. I currently live in a dorm for school purposes. I shouldnt tolerate myself to the luxuries of hotel living and the like. But I just cant help it but ask for some things to make my dorm living the way I want it to be and treat my dorm a 2nd home. Here are some things/services I want in my dorm.

  1. Wi-fi connection. I’ve been whimpering about the lack of internet connection in our dorm. I need one for assignments and research. I also need this so that I can update my blog, twitter, facebook and everything in between.
  2. TV – srsly. Our room needs a tv. A Tv would surely keep me entertained if Im alone in the room + I love watching tv. Its kinda boring just studying all night.
  3. Refrigerator – this is necessary if I wanna buy some ice cream, yogurts, or even ham for breakfast.
  4. Cubicles – I want the room to have cubicles. One bed per cubicle. At least  in this way, we can have privacy in our own cubicles. I can organize my things neatly and ‘clean’ my own place in the room.
  5. An airy rooftop – or some place where I can have some alone time and quiet time to study, be with myself, call someone, pretty much my own businesses.
  6. A bathroom – complete with a bathtub and a working shower (with water pressure) I just love cleaning up myself in a fun and creative way 🙂

So yeah, some of those things mentioned and many more ( I forgot the other ones)

But if I were to live in a condo, these types suit me the most:

Images via Google Image Search

The mirror by far is genius. give the room an illusion of being spacious + big

Well that’s all.

I hope I  can live in condos and everything. Maybe when I grow up. 😉

Lot of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~Gaetana

Private House by Rui Grazina

Private House by Rui Grazina.

so I found this great blog post from my wordpress dashboard.

All I can say is, WOW. If you have read my post about interior designs and everything, you can easily predict that this is totally my type 🙂

Reasons why:

  • Simple
  • Elegant
  • Sleek
  • Airy
  • Spacious
  • it’s so modern + futuristic

Go check it out!

It’s spacious, a little too spacious, but that’s not really the problem 🙂

I’ve read that the lot is 3300 sqm. and the house is roughly 300 sqm. talk about a lot of yard space + greenery, I’d totally love that. Great for outdoor parties, nature photography, inflatable pools, or just lazy lying on the grass, or maybe even picnics!

Quick blog post. NYE blog post next! 😀

~Lots of Love

Year-End shopping

Site stats keeps on fluctuating. Ok. Keep Calm and Blog.

Yesterday, me and my sister went to the local mall to go accompany mom to buy some groceries. On our arrival, there was like a huge wave of people shopping + buying groceries, and that’s when I realized the local mall had their annual year-end clearance sale.

Here are the pictures of my one-day adventure 🙂

  • Upon arriving to the mall, we went straight through the market part of the mall, when mom texted they were upstairs shopping for some shoes.
  • When we got there I went on trying some shoes and ended up buying a pair of Toms brogue shoes. They look like Oxford’s but a little bit round + the leather is quite soft. Oh, and my mom also bought me the usual Toms, aww how sweet.
  • So Im off to pay for the shoes where the line is so long, it took forever to pay for the shoes, but finally I bought them 🙂 I still want to buy some boat shoes which cost like 700 php or more than 10 bucks and if they had Oxford shoes Im really gonna force myself to only use 10% of my weekly allowance which is 1000 php.
  • After the shoe shopping, me + my BFF que, went down and raid their clothing sale which was marked down to 100 php or like 2 bucks.
  • I bought 3 shorts for only 300 php (100 each) and 2 tees for 200 php (100 each)
  • I should’ve bought some long colored socks but Im out of money, I murdered my 1000 php
  • My perverted little friend had the camera with him. We passed by this ‘Men’s Underwear’ section and he started wrecking havoc
  • So we went down and had little stroll, even though we were dying for a seat and my foot is aching and probably has some blisters.
  • We passed by this shop with some glasses, its too bad they dont have round ones :/ but anyway, I bought some wayfarer glasses for only 90 php ;))
  • That’s when we met with Ara and her crew 🙂 I miss this girl! She got white + rosy cheeks and she got more prettier and made me more jealous of her
  • We went back to the groceries afterwards only to end up going home bringing the fruits + other supplies my mum brought earlier that day
  • At home, blah blah blah surfing the net, and we had Pizza + Siomai balls as a snack! Scrumptious!
  • Night came and we decided to buy some fireworks or sparklers
  • Please forgive my friend querubin, he was a bit, ummmm, New to the camera
  • We went to auntie’s house only to fnd out they were cooking for New Year’s Eve dinner 🙂 Yummy!
  • And off we go to the city plaza and bought some sparklers
  • We bought some fountains, sparklers, and this firework called Steel Beauty
  • My cousins wont stop blabbing about where’s Goodbye Philippines? I wanna see it (Goodbye Philippines is an illegal firecracker)
  • Took some pictures of the city lights (not to mention there were some guys who were talking about me as a gay version of harry potterignorant little A-holes)
  • Finally went home after we bought some fruits for NYE dinner
  • Made some banana almond shakes + mango milk shakes
  • Tested my prototype Sparkler Bra. It works!

Well that’s what happened yesterday. What a great day it was! :DD

Keep your eyes open for my NYE blog 🙂 have a very Happy New Year + New Year’s Eve :))

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~Gaetana

Buttered Coffee

Hello gummy bears! 😀

So this morning I decided to have breakfast. Nothing special. Just the usual Buttered bread and Creamed coffee. Yes. I’m a sucker for coffee and dairy products.

I suck at foodtography

Besides a hearty satisfying breakfast I reached for some magazine near where I am. Since I was just doing nothing or maybe even procrastinating I figures out  should entertain myself a bit 😉

3 Mags about interior designs the other 2 were celeb gossip mags which did not interest me

My mom + her sister (my aunt) has a thing with interior designs. I love how my aunt designs her house. My mom on the other hand has a great taste on furniture + expensive room accessories, but she pretty much crowds the place (not to mention our ‘house space’ is a bit lacking). Anyway, I figured out that since Im going to build a mansion with 180 rooms, might as well pick some designs, from outdoor gardens and landscapes to indoor bed rooms and bath houses.

I’ve always had a thing for interior design. It’s my second favorite thing aside from fashion. I just love getting boxed in a room so fab I can just die in it. I have this weird urges to go buy some wallpaper and design my room, or sometimes go look on some furniture at SM’s Our Home I even treat curtains + table runners as a fashion ensemble. The whole point of it, is that I want to mix and math, explore and experiment and see what I would concoct or make.

I myself has a taste for the modern, sleek, simple, symmetric, elegant and spacious feel. It’s too bad the mag didn’t have a lot of those. They featured some oriental, native, spanish-esque designs which my mom constantly drools of. Anyway, here are the pictures I’ve taken which pretty much I like.

The pictures are technically mine, because I took them with my camera, but for some reasons, it’s not really mine. No Copyright Infringement Intended.

ooohhh, suitable for my office 🙂

An alternative for the office design

I love the pool + the rocks

Ponds really dont interest me right now, but this place would be suitable for a cup of tea 🙂

I love the idea of putting chapels in your home 😉

an ideal room/office for a law school graduate

if I become a star, remind me to always think of this 😉

oh and they have a mag for tips on condo designs + condo living. *sigh* I wish there was a mag for Dormitory living.

now I know where my aunt got her inspiration

I apologize for the bad quality + the glares.

After reading/scanning through the mag, I got up and went outside. The sun decided NOT to show up. Its weathers like these that makes me feel enlightened. I’m savoring my last moments of the holidays. Afterwards, I’m gonna suffer  survive the remaining three months till summer. Yes. Spring break here DOES NOT EXIST.

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~Gaetana

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