The Third Suicidal Note

I step in the shower. The water is warm and in seconds, steam fills the room. Beside me is a glass, turned opaque by the film of water droplets that covered it. I wipe it. Behind the glass, I see a virtual image – my reflection. Im ugly, in the mirror I see an image, distorted by the insensitive perception of society that served as hindrance for me, and people like me, to live a normal life… The glass turns opaque, and as the droplets of water soothe my face, I reach for the blade nearby…

Being a person deviated from society for having a different preference, I am exposed to risks.

Im not closeted, and I feel so liberated that I live my life the way I want it to – nothing to hold back, nothing to hide, just plain me. But Im not completely closeted, Im set back from being myself from members outside my immediate family. Regarding the circumstance that I live in a country where morals and dogmas of the Church has heavily influenced the mentality of its countrymen, I am exposed to rejection, negligence and bewilderment both from strangers and loved ones alike.

Homosexuality probably has been a taboo a long time ago, but I couldnt say its  a complete taboo since you can see members of the third sex roaming the streets freely and frequently. Although these citizens freely roam the streets of their motherland, the people they encounter, although indifferent, has lost the respect for them. These people tend to associate homosexuals as deviant and discriminatory, regarding them as persons of the lower sect having disgraced the Church they grew up in and “chose” to live a life of sin, being gay in their perspective is closely associated to being an anomaly.

And then a voice, vehement, calls. His words heavy, booming even. Words that resembled daggers striking my chest, aggravated by laughs and snide comments from various voices that came from the first. I succumb to the wounds but I dont show any pain, Im used to suppressing my feelings. I feel my heart race, my pulse quickens and I start to pant, I want to scream and mute out the words but a voice has spoken, as vehement as the voice prior. But this one, is different, it was comforting, defending… the voice was on my side.

Nonetheless, I am grateful I have a family that is in a higher domain of thinking. In my family, I am accepted, respected, loved. They accept me for who I am and this helps in relieving the tension I suppress from prior insults due to my sexuality. Im a helpless individual, but this is due to myself being in premature state, I know I cant fend for myself so all I do is shut up. But when words and nails-to-skin fail to serve their purpose, the fine blade has been a notorious resort to such situations.

Slowly, the single voice that was on my side has increased in intensity. Then another one comes in, and another, they were many, all defending for me. For me… I know Im not someone of high prestige but its overwhelming that the people you love and love you defend you. All is not a big deal for me, in fact, Im already used to it, but I admit it was painful to be humiliated, especially in front of the members of the family from further lines of consanguinity.

My family has defended me, and I feel empowered. Its great to live in a family where they not only accept you, they also support you and empower you, even fight for your rights! I should consider myself lucky to be born in such a family.

I hear another voice – its mine. I begin to decipher what seems to be my soliloquy. “You dont need his love, you dont need his acceptance, He’s not your life support.” The voice is right, I am right. I dont need him, and his acceptance is nothing more than a lion begging forgiveness from a stone. His rejection is just collateral damage, now its my turn to belittle him, him and people like him, THEY are the people of the lower sect, they are the people whose minds are damaged by ignorance. Besides, I’ve got more important things to attend to, such as cleaning excrement off my name.

I am not an anomaly, and I dont deserve to live a life inside the cloak, behind the mask, I dont deserve a life of anomaly, I dont deserve to be treated as a nuisance. Begrudgingly, I have to hold no grudge against these people, I am not ominous. All I know is that there are people who love me for me and that’s what matters most. And I thank them for that. They know its hard for me to live with this life but they make it easier for me.

Im wounded. The blade is dripping red. Tears well up at the sides of my eyes. My tears fall down, being one with the droplets from the shower. I exhale heavily and let out a loud sigh – a sigh of relief.

With a bleeding wound, I land on my bed. I sleep restfully, it should be since I think it would be my last.

My dreams were vivid and happy.

I wake up.

Im breathing.

I stand up and see the beautiful sunrise, ready to embark and enjoy life.

I enter my bathroom and scrub the blood stains from the tiles, I look at the mirror and I see the scar on my eyebrow. A scar due to the carelessness in handling a sharp blade to trim the unwanted growths on my brows.

silly me.

 

~xx

I wont let them destroy these dreams

HELLO! ❤

been experimenting with photography tricks lately, and I might say I got inspired by the levitation concept. Well its the last days of my summer break and classes start again so Im living it to the fullest, though I know summer classes wouldnt be as bland as the regular semestral classes since its a bit lighter with only two subjects and stuff, but let’s see what this leads to.

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Kind of achieved the ‘dreamy’ feel to the photo but I think it got a bit off when I added the cloud which as you can see is blended poorly, still, the overall picture is quite great. I gave this photo a more ‘floating’ feel.

IMG_3955-Edit-Edit-Edit-Editnow this ‘falling from cloud nine’ pose is a bit hard to do (especially the posing, you cant imagine how much tumbles I got not to mention I almost broke my back) its a tad simple, but it shouldn’t be trifled with

as much as I love having a levitation perk on my coding than the next guy, here’s some awesome inspiration that I got from the internet.

The following I searched for the term ‘sleep elevation’, which is a random post I encountered while reading blogs, forgive me for not adding credits.

 

isnt it all dreamy??!! the photographe probably used rope.

the next set are also some levitation photos minus the extreme heights…

 

 

 

a couple of handfuls. cool right? Im planning to do the ‘vadering’ stunt 🙂 dont worry, Ill post soon enough. SOON. 🙂

what do you think ?

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~xx

 

 

The thing about jobs

Hello once again readers.

Just wanted to share this small thing and I want to stress it out.

I wanted to be a fashion designer, or an interior designer or anything that involves my creativity since it is my passion. Im in college right now and going to finish a 4-year medical course. I also want to be a doctor (my parents arent really pressuring me) a dermatologist (which I have to complete in another 4 or 5 years) actually since beauty, is also a passion of mine + it is a well payed job. Im just bothered that here (I dont know if its Asian issues or the society) you are judged entirely if your work is well payed for. Personally, my first choice was to be a fashion designer, so basically I plan on taking up fashion designing. We all know those fashion designers are already billionaires but I think finding a job (when Im already a designer) is gonna be hard + the job is not very practical according to speculations they would say its just a ‘hobby job’.

I dont know if its the culture or how much people want to earn money. I just want my job to be something I want to work for, something that my passion is involved so that I have that feeling of gratefulness every Monday and proudly exclaiming “I love my work.” But I cant bear with it. Since a well payed job will get you higher in the society ranks but the belief is just stupid :|. Probably the reason why most people hate their jobs.

Anyway, Ill just stick with it. Might as well be a fashion designer, when time + opportunity permits me. You gotta start with the small things.

Comments are welcome.

Thoughts.

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~xGagaloo

Take everything in gradation…

Hello!

Here’s another photo collage blog where I talk about things Im currently addicted to and obviously obsessing on. This one is about….

OMBRES!!!

if so you know, ombres are more popular on hair which then lead to ombre fashion. Ombre actually came from the french word shade. So in a nutshell, Ombres are gradations of colors or a shade of a color. The subtle or chaotic gradation from black to white, white to pink and the like.

I usually call it “dip dyeclothing since using the word ombre makes me sound Mexican (no, this is not racist speech and I have nothing against Mexicans 😉 ). Well, in this uncivilized poorly economized place where Im staying, i cant find anything Ombre here (or pretty much anything that trends) usually the thing trending around the world right now, it will take a year or 2 for it to trend here *facepalms* anyway, I find the trend quite unique.

There are some Ombre style shirts and dresses which can be bought from Zara or ASOS but they’re pretty much pricey and stuff. Since Im a (non-sew) DIY freak I’d like to do it alternatively. Improvise. With the help of a plain white cotton shirt just sitting around cluttering my closet, I can turn it into a fashion statement for less than a dollar!

You can find several tutorials in the internet. You can go google it now, but Ill make things easy for you.

Tutorials

http://apair-andaspare.blogspot.com/2011/12/diy-bec-bridge-inspired-ombre-tee.html

http://www.refinery29.com/dip-dye-diy-collar

I’ve actually done two ombre’s earlier today (one orange, and one grass green). Dont worry, Ill be making more and this time with photos 🙂

Here are couple of photos to get you inspired 🙂

I so love the ombre stockings concept. omg.

Oh and if you have dark clothes or denim you can bleach them! The same way how you dyed the clothes. But dont let the garment in the bleach too long, or you wont like the consequences.

Lol love this one (NSFW)

Well that’s all. There are more notable examples when you google those. These are just some DIY inspirations 🙂 gunna buy some more dyes tomorrow.

See you all in the next post!

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~xGagaloox

Hello readers!

I beckon any of you love dancing and/or playing in the rain. I love rain clouds and gloomy days, I dont know why. Especially if it accompanies cold winds and stuff, its kinda like a nice time to have a stroll with a loved one (boyfriend) and cuddle each other while walking (if ever that’s possible). Anyway, it rained yesterday ( I love the fact that its scorching hot the rest of the day, and it compensates by raining for an hour at dusk) well I dont remember my last time I bathed in the rain but it sure was fun.

So I didnt waste time since I know the rain wont be staying so long, I went out and the rain drops welcomed me. The cold drips feel nostalgic. Its kinda great to feel like a child again. I crashed into puddles, slid on the road, tasted the rain. Everything was so perfect. I will cherish this simple thing life has offered for me. I went running in the rain, twirling and screaming. The subdivision was a bit deserted so I screamed my lungs off. And I also went to the river. Oh how it feels to be young again.

I also love that lingering smell of damp earth, leaves and rain! I dont know but it feel so fresh and relaxing. I also love the haze that lingers when a rain pours down hot concrete. But most of the time, I like sleeping to the sounds of raindrops (especially strong ones) splattering on my glass window,  and the sound of the vicious winds humming through the small seeps at the sides of the window and the roars of the thunder. Reminds me of warm nights when I was a child. Where I would go run to the covers when the thunders roared.

Well the rain has passed so I went home and hosed myself down. The warm water was invigorating. I decided to play with it and made artificial rain. I was a child for like an hour. And I never regretted it. I took a bath afterwards and ran out with my camera. Took shots of the aftermath of the rain. Edited them and so far I have these.

So what do you think of my photographs? They’re a bit drab but I think its okay. Any tips? 🙂 Im not quite good at this, but Ill work on it + I need a new camera lens. Macros and Portrait ones are in my eye lately. Any recommendations?

I wanted to take a photo of myself twirling in the rain, but I dont wanna risk my camera to get broken + I dont have someone to take a picture.

So how do you feel when ur dancing in the rain?

See you in the next post!

~Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~xGagaloox

How to survive the Monster Pit

As a symbol f their obedience, little monsters are given an opportunity to play as tribute. Each one of them shall fight to the death until a lone victor remains and be given an eternal key to meet the queen. This pageant shall be henceforth and forevermore called The Monster Pit Games.

~Manifesto 0.22 satellite 3.0

Hello readers!

 

[Pictures were made by me, would love to have some credit :)]

I hope some of you reading this are monsters and/or a lady gaga fan or anything in between since only them can relate with this.

Here are some advice how to get into the monster pit and how to survive it.

First of all, what is the Monster Pit you say?

At the Born This Way ball, the Monster pit is that “lucky spot” at the center of the whole arena, in front of the castle and if you’re lucky enough, you’ll be just a few feet away from Lady Gaga. Many monsters are dying to get inside this scared place since it entitles anyone inside it, to meet Lady Gaga and probably some memorabilias be given away to whoever is in there.

 How to enter the Pit.

~The pit is for general admission. This means, no matter how expensive or how cheap the ticket you bought it, you’re still entitled to enter the pit.

~Dress accordingly. Dress for the ball like it was a formal party. I recommend you wear studs, glitter, latex, meat or anything unusual and loud fashion. Or if you dont have any ideas, Dress as the queen herself. What better way to impress the queen if you dress like her? Oh and ‘props’ such as discosticks and telephone headresses and/or alien gunk is also a win.

~Arrive early. Monsters who apparently waited ‘overnight’ are more in luck for the Haus to drag them in the Pit. My advice: Bring a disposable sleeping bag if you want to travel light. Be there 24 hours or probably less if you dont want some vivacious ones to get first.

How to survive the Pit.

~Since in the pit, you’ll be up to dancing and screaming and singing. Prepare your voice for some Bloody Mary screaming. Dont drink cold water and dont scream 72 hours before the ball.

~Dont bring anything breakable such as an Ipad in the pit. You’ll be lucky enough if you can see it alive after the ball.

~Trudge your way up front. If you can though.

~Always have energy. Weaklings will be deliberately thrown out from the pit.

~Dont upload worthless videos. You’ll be risked with death threats saying “WHY DID YOU USE A POTATO TO FILM THIS?”

~Virginity will be lost in the Monster pit, esp. when Government Hooker plays. Take advantage of it.

~Do keep in mind that keepsakes will be given. Such as this mini disco stick.

~The lone victor will be given a key of eternal desire and opportunity. If he has succeeded with allies, they’re both in for a great opportunity to meet Lady Gaga and grab her ass

To truly survive the pit, here’s the golden rule

GET YOUR DICKS OUT AND HAVE FUN BITCHES.

Unfortunately, I cant go to the ball. The Born This Way Ball date here is May 21. It is devastating, but I know someday, Gaga will notice and meet me. The queen following me in twitter is a first step. Im gonna meet her. Now is not the time, but someday, it will. I promise.

Let the annual Born This Way Ball tour begin. Let the Monster Pit games begin…….. DIE BITCHES  May the odds be ever in your favor.

Disclaimer: Use of logos are not intended for any copying or copyright infringement.

Good luck surviving the Pit!

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~xGagaloox

We’re all grieving, Lost and bleeding.

Hello my dear and beloved readers!!!!

Sorry for the inactivity lately. Got nothing to do but watch some youtube videos, preferably: Glozell, RayWilliamJohnson, JacksGap and some BTWBall videos. I already finished Mockingjay, and oh, I forgot to post a review. Well anywhoo, because of the bore + the damage of summer heat is inflicting to my head, I updated my lookbook, and its long been months since I posted an outfit post.

The look I sported has mint stripes in it (which is somehow to die for) and the color of the season, bought this for no less than 5 dollars. The shirt, is thrift-ed, bought it for less than 3 dollars and the white short and the bag is somehow 4 dollars, I think. Some old sunglasses and loafers, and the look is complete. I accept dying in inexpensive glamour so, if you gave me a 20-dollar budget for some fashion finds, I value quantity more than quality.

Oh and Im thinking on making videos. I was totally inspired by these internet meme challenges. Sadly, the local mall doesnt distribute XL marshmallows and cinnamon. So Im left with a rather painful challenge: the Salt and ice challenge. Not much to say though, but Im still on the pursuit for internet traffic, meet Gaga and a boyfriend. Anyway, Im heavily frustrated since I cant go to the ball, and Gaga is gunna be here in less than a month. Well, I guess Ill meet her some other time, I think Im not ready yet.

Ill be posting some more outfits in the days to come, Im such a famewhore, I’d sure love it if my looks on lookbook would get a ton of hypes just overnight and Ill be an internet sensation, and take over the world!!!!! *evil laugh* meh. what am I doing with my life.

If you wanna laugh here’s Glozell’s youtube, the Cinnamon challenge, Salt and Ice challenge, and Chubby Bunny challenge is simply to DIE FOR.

Oh and I’ve been stalking this British boy, Jack and his twin, Finn (did I spell it right) They’re so cute and everything. I’ve been watching “Twin Mail” over and over + the cheeky challenges. Without further adieu, here is le channel JacksGap

See you all in the next post!

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored skies.

~xGagaloo

What I’ve been up to..

Hello readers!!!

I know its been a while since my last blog entr. I’ve been busy lately, doing lazy stuff, online shopping, sleeping and the like, but I do have a surprise for everyone of you reading my blog!!

Yes, I’ve been lurking to my atelier spicing something up. Im doing some fashion sketches. Since me and Yza (Fashion Goddess) are preparing for Project Runway, I figured out we should practice on the sketching first, since in my situation in which sewing is next to impossible because I dont have a sewing machine + proper sewing skills. Also, I need some proper knowledge on how to make moodboards and “putting the dress to life” and some knowledge on textiles. This is probably the reason why designing + dressmaking is not a cute job like Mommy in the kitchen stitching teared shirts .

Info + colored scans will be released soon.

No, Im not a good sketcher, I just traced the body shape and added in the  dress. Basically, I just downloaded the Croquis templates here and printed them. It sure is useful to have a sketchbook in hand. But I do believe one day Ill be good at this. Here are some of my favs.

There’s a whole lot more if you google Fashion Sketches so check it out 🙂

I accept tips, comments, advice and some opinions on my work.

Well see you in the next post 🙂

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~xGagaloox

Hello my lil gummy bears!

I know its been a while, since I posted some blog entries, but I’ll make it up to you, I’ll make tons of blog posts and schedule them daily, so you can have daily blog posts from this lil sinner. I didnt know my blog name *sweet sinner* was a name for a porn movie series.

Notice: please play this song before you read this blog post. It adds feelings to this context, if you know what I mean. Thanks! 🙂

Longing for someone, and no,  this is not a boyfriend, or someone to cuddle with. I’m longing for my Best Friend. Yes, I miss him err her, err whatever. I miss our laughs, trolling, bonding, backstabbing and everything. I love going to places with him and spending long nights on the phone with him (we usually get up to hours, 45 minutes being our shortest ‘phone talk)

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.

Querubin has been my best friend ever since 6th grade which kinda makes him my bff for almost 6 years. I feel myself when I’m with him. We have the same in common! We like guys, porn, guys, malls, guys, jokes, guys, music, guys, and a lot more guys. We easily agree with each other, (or am I simply putting him under me? IDK) When I get mad at someone, he gets a bit mad at them too, and pretty much the same implies to me.

A true friend slaps you in the front

He’s the one that photographs my fashion photos, goes to my house just for surfing the internet and sometimes go biking in the neighborhood. So far he’s the one I can call a TRUE BEST FRIEND. I never doubted him and I think we havent had a fight for more than a year, can’t remember.

Another I love about him is that, even though we’re far away from each other, he always sees to it that we keep in touch in any possible way. Yes, I do miss him. At school right now, I have tons of friends sharing laughs and exchanging stories but it’s not the same as the way me and querubin rule the world. We’re like the ‘check it out girls’ from Sunny with a Chance 😉

I’m really not expecting to have an addition to my BFF. So far he’s the only one, and I’m very thankful he’s there. He never left my side, especially when I’m sad.

Define Best Friend you say? Querubin.

You don’t get angry when  I change the plans. Somehow you’re never out of second chances. Wont say I told you when I’m wrong again. I’m so lucky that I found a True Friend.

Looking forward to summer 😉

Lots of  Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~Gaetana

Buttered Coffee

Hello gummy bears! 😀

So this morning I decided to have breakfast. Nothing special. Just the usual Buttered bread and Creamed coffee. Yes. I’m a sucker for coffee and dairy products.

I suck at foodtography

Besides a hearty satisfying breakfast I reached for some magazine near where I am. Since I was just doing nothing or maybe even procrastinating I figures out  should entertain myself a bit 😉

3 Mags about interior designs the other 2 were celeb gossip mags which did not interest me

My mom + her sister (my aunt) has a thing with interior designs. I love how my aunt designs her house. My mom on the other hand has a great taste on furniture + expensive room accessories, but she pretty much crowds the place (not to mention our ‘house space’ is a bit lacking). Anyway, I figured out that since Im going to build a mansion with 180 rooms, might as well pick some designs, from outdoor gardens and landscapes to indoor bed rooms and bath houses.

I’ve always had a thing for interior design. It’s my second favorite thing aside from fashion. I just love getting boxed in a room so fab I can just die in it. I have this weird urges to go buy some wallpaper and design my room, or sometimes go look on some furniture at SM’s Our Home I even treat curtains + table runners as a fashion ensemble. The whole point of it, is that I want to mix and math, explore and experiment and see what I would concoct or make.

I myself has a taste for the modern, sleek, simple, symmetric, elegant and spacious feel. It’s too bad the mag didn’t have a lot of those. They featured some oriental, native, spanish-esque designs which my mom constantly drools of. Anyway, here are the pictures I’ve taken which pretty much I like.

The pictures are technically mine, because I took them with my camera, but for some reasons, it’s not really mine. No Copyright Infringement Intended.

ooohhh, suitable for my office 🙂

An alternative for the office design

I love the pool + the rocks

Ponds really dont interest me right now, but this place would be suitable for a cup of tea 🙂

I love the idea of putting chapels in your home 😉

an ideal room/office for a law school graduate

if I become a star, remind me to always think of this 😉

oh and they have a mag for tips on condo designs + condo living. *sigh* I wish there was a mag for Dormitory living.

now I know where my aunt got her inspiration

I apologize for the bad quality + the glares.

After reading/scanning through the mag, I got up and went outside. The sun decided NOT to show up. Its weathers like these that makes me feel enlightened. I’m savoring my last moments of the holidays. Afterwards, I’m gonna suffer  survive the remaining three months till summer. Yes. Spring break here DOES NOT EXIST.

Lots of Love. With Orange Colored Skies.

~Gaetana

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